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As the post said, \'Only God can make a tree,\' probably because it\'s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
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Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
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Sex is like air. It\'s only a big deal if you can\'t get any.
Three o\'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
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Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
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Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
I\'m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
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It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
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Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
If you haven\'t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
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Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse\'s family too.
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The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
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I\'d stop eating chocolate, but I\'m no quitter.
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Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he\'d lie just to keep his hand in.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
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Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
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It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren\'t, then I\'d be a teacher.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
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Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
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Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
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I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
If you can read this you\'re not aiming in the right direction.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
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Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
I never forget a face, but in your case I\'ll be glad to make an exception.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
I have not failed. I\'ve just found 10,000 ways that won\'t work.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
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Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
As the post said, \'Only God can make a tree,\' probably because it\'s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
A good sermon should be like a woman\'s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I\'ve only ever had one.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we\'d have a much easier time raising money.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
It\'s impossible to experience one\'s death objectively and still carry a tune.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn\'t.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
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Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
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I wouldn\'t mind dying - it\'s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they\'re yours.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Hofstadter\'s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter\'s Law.
If there?s one thing I know it?s God does love a good joke.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It\'s not a truck. It\'s a series of tubes!
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn\'t take it out of my garden.
Why don\'t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that\'s how dogs spend their lives.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that\'s how dogs spend their lives.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, \'Don\'t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?\' I said \'I didn\'t know there were any witnesses. Now I\'ll have to kill you too\'.
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The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
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If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
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I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you\'ll be happy; if not, you\'ll become a philosopher.
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Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
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I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I\'ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Hofstadter\'s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter\'s Law.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don\'t need.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
As the post said, \'Only God can make a tree,\' probably because it\'s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
Everybody\'s worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there\'s a really easy way: stop participating in it.
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A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
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Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don\'t add up.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Never test for an error condition you don\'t know how to handle.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
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If you are going through hell, keep going.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn\'t speak up because I wasn\'t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn\'t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Lohr\'s Law: The future is merely the past with a twist ? and better tools.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I\'m not there, I go to work.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
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When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
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The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It\'s not a truck. It\'s a series of tubes!
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There\'s also a negative side
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
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Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven\'t said enough.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
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A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it\'s good it\'s wonderful, and when it\'s bad it\'s still pretty good.
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If quantum physics doesn\'t confuse you then you don\'t understand it.
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Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
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Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
O\'Toole\'s Corollary of Finagle\'s Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
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If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn\'t.
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If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn\'t.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
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Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I\'m not there, I go to work.
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One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one\'s work is terribly important.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
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O\'Toole\'s Corollary of Finagle\'s Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
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There\'s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
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You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I\'ve only ever had one.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
I never forget a face, but in your case I\'ll be glad to make an exception.
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Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Lohr\'s Law: The future is merely the past with a twist ? and better tools.
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If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
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The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
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A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
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There\'s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
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I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
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A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it\'s good it\'s wonderful, and when it\'s bad it\'s still pretty good.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
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